Barry Zito

Barry Zito’s newest slump buster: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is famous for being rich. Hilton isn’t classically beautiful, her singing would be better described as “electronic cooing,” nor is she witty or even a passable actress. Paris is a celebrity for being rich.

Now it looks like Paris has found a kindred spirit: Barry Zito. Like Hilton, Zito’s celebrity comes from his net worth, to the point where “126” might as well be tattooed to his forehead. While he’s known as perhaps the worst free agent signing in the history of sport due to an overall record of 21-30 in two years with the Giants while perfectly healthy, vapid celebutantes like Hilton probably don’t even know what team he pitches for, let alone his record.

According to People.com:

“Paris Hilton was all over San Francisco Giants’ baseball star Barry Zito at the grand opening of MyHouse, a new Hollywood nightspot. Whether it was drinking, hugging, whispering, laughing or holding hands, the two were focused only on each other — and Hilton looked really happy, a clubgoer tells us. The heiress flitted from table to table, chatting with fellow revelers like Tyson Beckford and Kim Kardashian, though she never left Zito’s side for too long.”

Just reading People’s account shows us why the soft-tossing Zito is a tempting piece of man candy for Paris. He’s a star because he’s rich! Paris wouldn’t even know Zito was a baseball player unless noted jock-sniffer Alyssa Milano was there to let her know; Hilton probably recognized Zito as “the guy from the True Religion ad.”

Glad to see Zito’s been taking his offseason seriously. No better way to get your body in shape for the upcoming season than to hang out with a chain-smoking socialite known mostly for partying and making sex tapes. I’m sure Hilton’s loving embrace is sure to add a few mph to Zito’s fastball, a la Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham. Maybe Valtrex is a performance enhancing drug. You never know.

Hey Zeets, for some advice on how to handle this new “relationship,” check out this conversation in Office Space between Drew (O-Face, if you don’t remember him by name) and Peter Gibbons when Peter brought Jennifer Anniston to Tom Smykowski’s party:

Drew: Right on … Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.

That’s hot.

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