Gary Radnich

Manny Ramirez, the Bret Michaels of baseball

Adam Duritz, Chris Kirkpatrick…Manny Ramirez? The former two are singers who’ve gone the way of the weaved dreads. In Duritz’s case his fake locks helped him bag a pretty shocking list of hot actresses, while Kirkpatrick’s phony-farian look simply made him the most ridiculous looking member of ‘N Sync. A lot has been made of Manny’s dreads, leading fans to actually go out and spend good money on wigs dedicated to him.

Is it possible that Manny himself is wearing one of those wigs?

Probably not, but I have serious doubts that the 38-year-old’s dreadlocks are 100% real, for these reasons:

Evidence of hair loss

I’m follically challenged myself, so I’m not judging the guy by any means. But to steal from Gary Radnich, I swear I saw a little Kareem Abdul-Jabaar skyhook action last night when Manny took his batting helmet off. Remember when Jerry Rice went with the dreads later in his career is if everyone didn’t notice his hairline was further back than Helen Hunt’s or Rhianna’s (take your pick)? Manny’s forehead was already looking large, but bald spots in the back make the volume of hair coming out the back of his hat a little suspicious.

Ever-present Do-Rag

Bret Michaels has been wearing hats and/or bandanas for years, and on one of the Rock of Love shows he admitted that his hair had been enhanced with “some of the best extensions money can buy.” Manny’s got the same gigantic blue do-rag on all the time, covering up his entire scalp. In fact, the only reason why SGL and I caught Ramirez’s skyhook last night was because the wind at Mays Field lifted up the back of that pillowcase on top of his head.

He can’t give up his dreads now

Whether Manny thinks his hair gives him Samson-like strength or he feels a responsibility to help out Dodger Stadium wig-peddlers, it’s clear he can’t get rid of the dreads now. He even stood up to Joe Torre last year, only getting a one-inch trim when Torre hoped Manny would at least get his hair cut to more of a “Mike Piazza’s 1994 mullet” length. Also, his hair isn’t just part of his personality, it also takes attention away from Ramirez’s puffy face and double-chin. And Manny’s clearly worried about showing everyone how chubby he truly is, or he wouldn’t wear a baggier uniform than Livan Hernandez.

Obviously if Manny’s dreads are fake it’s no big deal. As long as he keeps knocking doubles off the wall every night Dodger fans won’t have a problem, just like the fake locks of Duritz, Kirkpatrick and Michaels have all been relatively overlooked since they’re all musicians that are relatively popular (not among people who have taste in music, but regardless). Still, you should only be allowed to have dreadlocks if (a) you aren’t a white person, (b)  the hair’s real, and (c) you’re a member of the Green Bay Packers’ secondary.

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